Cita-cita. angan-angan. takdir

masa sekolah dulu. mmg berangan nak kerja yg best2.. tp malas belajar. main2.. akhirnye dapat course campak dlm UiTM.

cuba jugak mak usaha utk tukarkan course.. tp kenapa tah ttbe masa tu matang..wakaka..

ckp dgn mak..mungkin tuhan tau anak mak ni xmampu nk masuk bidang medic.. xpe la.. teruskan jer..

jadi sejak tu..tukar perception, kebetulan peluang kerja bidang IT semakin melambak2.. as perempuan, mesti la berangan nak kawin and ada anak2 kan.. rasa mcm bidang programming is soo not me.

x excel pun dlm study..mcm mana nk survive dlm kerja is beyond my expectation.

sedih bila extend study, tapi alhamdulillah..xpernah menyesal pasal tu.. our batch diperkenalkan dgn software testing..since that mmg semangat nak kerja dlm bidang testing.. ya allah.. sungguh allah mudahkan semuanya..

lepas tu. berangan nak kawin umur 27. nak beli kereta. nak beli rumah. nak bwk mak n abah jalan2. xnak jadi org biasa. nak jadi org yg dpt travel oversea every year. xnak jadi housewife yg stuck kat kampung jaga anak.. *marah ni kalau ada org yg duduk kg baca* everyone have their own dreams. please allow me rambling my nonsense here.

duniawi semua. materialistik. mungkin sebab tu allah xmudahkan jalan kearah itu..hehe

tup2 kawen umur 25. 26 ada anak pulak. hilang angan2 nak sambung study la.. nak berjalan la.. tp rezeki yang allah bagi.. anak yg sihat, comel. handsome. *kali ni pun sila benarkan sy puji anak sendiri ea*

suami yg complement me just enough.

27. bakal masuk ke rumah sendiri. walaupun hutang dgn bank..haha

ada masa. ada jugak berangan nak balik kg. expand kedai mak. berniaga. hidup dekat tempat yg x stress. xde jammed.xde KPI.

someone pernah ckp. KL ni tempat buang duit. bukan cari duit..haha

kerja. Scope mmg tempat best utk settle down.. *yeke?* x expect bole join balik dgn cepat.bila tau kwn yg masuk company yg pernah pggl interview dulu dpt pergi jln2. best gila! jeles pulak.. 

yela..pggl interview..xsemestinya dpt.. tp ehh..nk berangan jugak.desperate sgt nk travel ni..haha

umur dah 27 ni. sebelum 30 kena sambung study. sebelum 35 kena anak lebih dari sorg. sebelum 40 kena ada landed house. gitteeww.. sempat x sempat ni? ntah2 kubur panggil dulu. T_T

Wishlist 2015

Last year. 27 nov. I have posted about my wishlist.
Lets see if everything comes true.

1. Rumah = insyaallah will move in 4dec. Just a small little house for our small family. Alhamdulillah.
Mulanya hanya angan2.. dgn rasa yg bercampur baur..xtau dpt teruskan ke tak.. tak tau menetapi kriteria rumah impian ke tak.. tp ttp teruskan.. sbb mmg sedar diri hanya itu lah yg termampu.. syukur allah mudahkan semuanya.. mmg bergolok bergadai dan masih mengharapkan rezeki yg lebih.. insyaallah.. semoga ini lah yg terbaik..

2. Camera & new phone = closed case.

3. Join mak umrah = dugaan yg xdijangka.. xde rezeki lagi mak nk pg umrah tahun ni.. insyaallah.. semoga ada rezeki akan dtg.. 😭

4. Simpan duit holiday = xde bayang. Haha

Ok. What has past is past. Next year.. apa plan?

1. Feb mesti settled all outstanding hutang. (Ada few jd outstanding sbb urusan beli rumah.. sobbss)
2. More savings!
3. By end of year. Free from loan! (At least one of our loans) haha..
4. My dream kitchen
5. Ilhan's school.
6. Mr.k sambung study.

I was never imagine azam tahun lepas ada yg terlaksana. Masa tulis haritu mmg angan2 belaka.. tp sungguh allah mudahkan.. alhamdulillah.. jadi kali ni nak tulis lg la..
Mana tau ada yg aminkan.. mudah juga urusan tahun depan.. 😊😊😊😊

Ilhan with opah

Ilhan is now with opah. We had left him since last month. After 3 weeks go back to my mom's house. Its totally heart broken when we look into his eyes and seems he sees us like strangers.

Patut la org yg tggl anak dia kat kg.. mmg kurang bonding dgn parents. Mungkin bukan sbb dia xsyg.. tp dia xbiasa.

Dah rasa mcm tu once, then kenapa nk tggl lg? Kan?
There are few matters that we have to deal. Nak xnak we have no choice to leave him again. This is the longest i havent see him. More than 3 weeks.
I feel like squeeeeezzingg..shrinking..dying..missing like hell..

Tgn rasa mcm terasa2 nak tangkap dia.. mulut terasa2 mcm nk gomol dia.. hidung terasa2 mcm nak cium dia..

Its painful.. sggttt... 😭😭😭😭😭

Back to scope

Alhamdulillah..
Officially back to Scope on 3rd Nov 2014. Birthday Mr.k.. senang ingat..hehe

After drama here and there. 5 months of waiting. Im here listening to hilaian tawa of previous manager yg ku rindui setahun yg lalu..kaaahh

She moved to other building actually but once in a while or once a week dia akan dtg pj. Just nice the day i reported to scope, bumped into her on the train.. punya la nak sorok2 xnak jumpa kat ofis. Dlm train pun jadik.. tu la kalau dah jodoh kann..kaaahhh

Well, my experience on job transition is only tiny little bit. 1st job as account executive at one network company attached to telekom. Sangat2 fresh masa tu.. gaji pun xsampai 2k. Not my dream job after all but just having some experience. I learn how to meet peoples.. and its only lasted for 2 months..

Lepas tu training with gov program and attached to Scope. It was easy. Tak ada culture shock sbb we are doing what we have learned. Expectation for the first 3 months pun not that high sbb u are only intern. Geng nak mengadu ramaaiii.. kwn2 dr uitm pun ramaiii.. alhamdulillah.. allah eased everything.. but its not always that easy rite..

Decided to move on after 3 years. Considered this is my first resignation for real. The feelings, expectations, everything is totally different.

Masuk new company without knowing anyone in there. I thought i can do something on my attitude.. kurang jadi pemalu.. become more confident.. however... *sigh*
Ilhan is only 6 months that time.. i have to adapt with alot of things. It was hard but i have only passed after the 9 months. I have met a lot of friends which so adorable, very very nice and helpful in everything..

Somehow my confident level is back to a correct state. Not too high not too low..i felt so good.. i start doubting about moving on.. *padahal masa tu da send resume da*
I start felt syg to everything. But decision have to be made.. pros and cons is everywhere..
Oppurtunities is always there for u to grab. Its your own choice.

Back to the place that i have been for 3 years. Im totally feel like home!
Mmg buat mcm rumah sendiri walaupun xde passcard.. cari hr la. Request mcm2 dkt it centre. Luckily there is still one same person and still recognize me..hehe
In term of tasks.. sangat byk berubah. Thats make me scared. Im in a state of knowing nothing but have to do everything. But insyaallah.. i just feel good as the trust is there. I have to perform. For sure..

And..not to forget.. ilhan. He is on development state now.. can i? Can i commit to him? Can i be a good mother? I have to!

Alhamdulillah.. this is all His love and bless. Syukur alhamdulillah..

Endometriosis

A bit explanation. the rest you can google more.

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). 

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Common signs and symptoms of endometriosis may include:

• Painful periods (dysmenorrhea).
• Pain with intercourse.
• Pain with bowel movements or urination.
• Excessive bleeding.
• Infertility.
• Other symptoms. You may also experience fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating or nausea, especially during menstrual periods.

Signs and symptoms of endometriosis end temporarily with pregnancy and end permanently with menopause.

So, what is this all about??

I have been suspected with endometriosis. suspected jee.. nothing much insyaallah.. even during the consultation, the way doc explained its not a serious illness however its just LOSS OF ENJOYMENT OF LIFE. Allahuakbar.. kuasa allah bila dia nak tarik nikmat apa yg kita ada.

I have to endure with the pain until stated as above. menopause. 

Btw, soalan yg byk org tnye.

mcm mana tau? - as symptoms kat atas and guts feeling, we went to gynae. then here it goes. sebelum tu mmg ada buat few research, tnye cousins yg ada history cyst n fibroid.. do some readings, i tot it might be a cyst. endo is very least thing in my thought.

lps tu? - so, since it was suspected and kitorg pun bukan dlm keadaan terdesak nak dpt baby, now doc bg ubat hormone (progesterone) to reduce my estrogen. by reducing that, the tissue will stop bleeds because it will stop my menstrual n reduce the pain too. kena ambik ubat ni utk 3 bulan and semoga tissues tu mereput..hehe

tapiii.. u know la ubat hormone.. kesannye masyaallah.. bloating.nausea.moody (tgk bola pun nangis)

mak pesan..banyaakkkan zikir.. rasa xkena je zikirr..biar xde suara hasutan yg sentuh hati tu..

insyaallah.. mmg..mmg xlupa utk istighfar..but somehow i still cant hold the tears. (T_T)

well.. im still lucky because

dah ada ilhan. people with endo susah pregnant. ifffff let say rezeki mmg ilhan sorg.. allah know the best..

and no cyst or fibroid attached as of now.

btw, its still on early stage.. mengharapkan yg terbaik dlm masa 3 bulan ni..

after few readings, masa tgh struggle dgn kesan hormone. first time kan so emosinye ngengada sgt.. ada yg ckp diorg buat transvaginal scan to confirm the endo. so i was thinking why not buat je that scan instead of bearing with this hormone thingy. so pergi la ask for second opinion, but too bad that TVS will not confirm endo. the only way is laparoscopy and doc tnye if im ready for that. memang x laaa..

then ada la few explanation why my gynae give me this n this medicine instead of aggressive treatment. so, lepas fikir.. decide utk trust the gynae..pg byk2 gynae kang pun pening je sini ckp lain.. sana ckp lain..

jadinya.. now.. marilah jaga makan jaga hati jaga iman..ni semua sbb allah syg.. 

rajuk

bila rasa xsuka.. nak marah..merajuk..xkena..
tido dgn pinggan mangkuk bertimbun.. mainan bersepah..mcm protes.
malas nak fikir buat bdn malas nak buat apa2
humming lagu 'i feel like doing anything'

bgn pagi. rumah bersih. sink berkilat.
tp masih rasa protes sbb merajuk ni..xde org pujuk pun..
dah sampai ofis.. baru terfikir.. semua yg cantik n bersih tu semua sbb nak memujuk la tu..
kenapa?..nak bunga? nak kek?.. xcukup?

apa lagiii la yg nak ni ira..
makannye tidak meminta2..
bersepahnye tidak dibising2
tidonye tidak dikejut2..

jgn main sape give up dulu..sbb xtau sape menang..
yg menang nnti belum tau hati senang yg kalah dah tentu melopong.

ira..ira.... *hentak kepala bertalu2*

social network

had a quick mengadu session with hub on 5am last nite. *sbb dia baru balik keje n siap ofer lepak dkt hall dulu 

utk borak2 kejap..*

critical betul masa kitorg skrg.. whole week hub keje sampai pagi which is sempat jumpe pagi sebelum dia tido balik..

ok.back to the session. its about.. social network where u can share everything..n the issue is.. for some people

they might think we purposedly want to show off what we have. too bad, these people, they also did same thing.

so, its more like only they can..if other people do means diorg menunujuk2.. 

what a negative tot laa..haiihhh.. these kind of people dia kena sedar sendiri.. its about attitude.. 

for me,

its social network. if you dont like, backoff or hide.. there are many options now.. n i did for few frens that i think its annoying.. especially MLM..hehe

or else let people do whatever they want..why bother??

then the best part, hub tnye killer question.. because he is actually silent user of social network. ada facebook je..tp setahun sekali update.

my only stalker yg plg mengerikan..hehe..

the question is.. did i feel any 'riak' when i post out something?

well, honestly..nak percaya ke xnak terpulang.. cuma ada rasa riak bila post out my cooked. why?? because its my cooked!

bukan senang ok nak masak *ceh..org lain petik jari je*

my cooked is sometimes only on weekend. and i did feel happy when few uncles and aunties puji how lucky my hub..hehe

its something that my achievement that i really proud of. so, pls let me feel happy..hehe

by the way,

allah datangkan org memarahi kita, 

menfitnah kita, 

membuka aib kita, 

membebel pada kita,

mengumpat pada kita,

berkata dengan kata yang menyakitkan hati kita,

dan macam macam lagi.

itu tandanya allah sayang kita dan allah sedang menguji tahap keimanan kita.

perkara yang terbaik yang harus kita lakukan adalah SABAR.REDHA.MEMAAFKAN dan BERDOA pada allah.

jgn sesekali mengeluh, sentiasalah bersyukur - from facebook

yeah, i've got my lesson learned here, not all people like what we do.. 

1. we cant satisfied people.

2. lay low, make it all under control. tepuk dada tanya hati.

3. ask ur closest opinion if u think things u want to share is kind of bakal mengundang kontroversi..hehe

some updates

long hiatus? huh?

busy.malas..xde idea. hehe
kdg2 ada idea nak karang blog. tp masa tu dlm tren la.. tgh msk la.. bila da hadap pc. lupa.. wkakaka

ok. we have moved to new home. still.rent. typical flat home yg agak sadis. tp mahal. die.
semuanya kerana perngorbanan sbg seorg ibu yg bekerja.cewaah..
dlm pd tgh ada mslh dgn rumah sewa lama..kami diberi rezeki dpt rumah sewa yg betul2 bwh rumah babysitter. kejiranan melayu.seronok!

dpt dgr azan. husband dpt campur org surau. ada kenduri kawen!
best!
tp..rumah kecik.. ada bocor sikit2..
ikutkan boleh je..utk kitorg 3 beranak duduk.. tp family members yg lain dtg mcm ralat tgk tmpat kitorg stay.. we can see it form their face..sobss..

someone offer us their apartments. mmg cantik.ada pool.guards. ikutkan nafsu. nak sgt.. ikutkan hati belah2..ikutkan akal. die.
i know that they all love me.us.our family..ni yg pening ni..

btw, cukup la cerita ni. rasa perit yg dicarik2 sbb xtahu nk buat keputusan mcm mana. nak kawen dulu pun x seteruk ni mikiornye..wahaha

happy birthday to husband aka mr.k. tq for always being great guy for me.
bila go thru cerita MH370.. i dunno what will happen to me if i was in their place. i cant live without you. not even can sleep without u.
i cant, dunno, dont want to imagine the pain.
eventho we have ups n down.. i hope we will go thru it together.. we promised to grow old together kan?

happy birthday to me. one year older. life is not challenging if u keep it simple... so eventho its hard. take the challenges.fight and learn from ur mistakes.
every single minutes i'm trying my best to be the best. but the best level change everyday.
keep going and semoga dugaan yang allah bagi dugaan yang boleh dihadapi.. ditetapkan iman..

happy birthday to my baby. we keep doing same things everyday. sedar x sedar..dah setahun dah ilhan hadeef. rasa sakit delivery pun dah xingt dah mcm mana.. *mcm bunyi da ready utk yg kedua jek...kui3*
mumy hanya doa supaya ilhan sentiasa sihat.. i know i'm not a good mumy.. nothing much i can ask for.. but. semoga allah sentiasa berkati hidup ilhan hadeef.
alhamdulillah dikurniakan permata yg mungkin xsemua org dpt rasa.. eventho i'm not good..please dont take him away from me allah.. please keep him well.. amin ya allah..

happy anniversary to us. its the 2nd year.. insyaallah. we will grow old together until jannah..

so many celebrations at the beginning of the year kan.. wish list for 2014 cum my birthday's wish list is making some progress.
- rumah. Loan approved. SnP signed. now tgh tgu lawyer utk process kwsp.
- new phone. pejam mata both of us tukar fon..hehe..since fon husband da start buat hal.. n da nak dekat 4 tahun jugak kitorg bertahan pakai fon tu.. we say bye2 to berries..n welcome to android n ios.
- camera. doubting nak beli. fon enuf i think? will get the monopod soon.hehe
- umrah. quite far to catch up. but will try prepare for it. insyaallah
- korea. closed case. settle above first..hehe..

another one to add up.
- more saving!

ada terbaca. 5 tahun yg pertama dlm perkahwinan. selalunya cabarannya ialah kewangan. so i believe and have to make sure we must financially stable in this coming year. insyallah..
5 tahun seterusnya. nak tau apa?
i believe its trustworthy.
yela..financial stable dah kan... (insyaallah).
hopefully we able to go thru this.everything.
amin.