Terima Kasih tuhan!

Assalamualaikum after 3 years..

owh wow..sekelip mata it has been 3 years after my previous rambling. may be ada yang rasa lama nak melalui hari2 yg berlalu..n may be ada yang rasa sekejap.

hi nobody!

how is everyone?.. sempat blog hopping dkt blog yg ada recent post and terasa mcm ya allah iraa.. byk syok sendiri sampai tak sedar ada yang lamaaa tak keep in touch. to u, who know who you are, ira mintak maaf ya. but percaya lah.. if u need me.. i will always be right here. ok!!

well, ilhan has upgraded to an abg of two. 😆

alhamdulillah.. walaupun mcm cepat sgt n dia ada la jugak jeles sikit2 but i hope we managed it well. my previous post was the experienced of my miscarriage kan. selepas setahun, we try again and our healthy izfar hakeem was born at 1 dec 2018. i choose the date to conceived and to delivered. haha!

pengalaman mengeluarkan hakeem adalah sesuatu yg mengerikan and menyeramkan utk dikenang balik. my post partum has developed grade 5 hemorrhoids and had to went thru a hemorrhoidectomy on 3rd day after deliver. subhanallah and alhamdulillah, 20 hari post surgery i'm back to myself. sepanjang sakit dari hari 1st sampai ke 20 tu, macam2 rasa.. a good thing about my perangai yg suka bercerita.. i get a lot of support from friends and even ada yg share their same experience. somehow, those sharing buat rasa lega sgt. sbb tau x bila kita sakit kita akan tertanya2.. sampai bila sakit ni?.. lama lg ke?.. akan makin teruk x?.. akan jadi manusia normal balik x?.. so ni semua benda yg kita bljr dari pengalaman n pengalaman org lain. seems my byk mulut brings benefit jugak. hehehe

anyway, hakeem pun dah nak masuk 1 tahun 9 bulan this coming september. and guess what? i had another baby and its a girl!!..

subhanallah, nikmat apa lg yg ingin didustakan ira. of course being a mom you wish for a baby girl. jeles tgk org ada anak perempuan.. tp bukan la maksudnya x syg dkt anak2 lelaki ni. but having a baby girl is not in our plan yet. sesungguhnya kita merancang dan allah yg menentukan.

masa tau pregnant while hakeem just about 9months masa tu, mmg rasa seram jugak. tp xde la emosi sgt. cuma dlm kepala dah start fikir la.. apa nak buat, apa patut buat.

honestly, masa pregnant hakeem byk sgt masalah emosi, walaupun ira nampak mcm org yg happy go lucky.. tp ira jugak adalah seorg attention seeker lagi2 kepada suami. jadinya perjalanan membawa hakeem awal2 tu tidak lah indah sgt.. both of us struggle at the part of not being so sensitive or be sensitive. hehe.. so when we know im again pregnant. i just ask my husband if he will support me. i understand a LOT and learnt a LOT on my previous pregnancy. just to confirm that he will try again another round with me and he said..yes, he will try. alhamdulillah.

aaanndd.. the journey of having ilana was the happiest, hakeem lasak but cheeky, ilhan manja but independent and x memberontak. im truly a happy pregnant woman. 

delivering ilana also the easiest, get the experienced deliver during MCO when the husband was not allowed to be on your side, when you have to undergo the covid test, when you went to somewhat empty hospital and lot of wad yg tutup, when our normal life is now changed to new normal. masyaallah.. looking back.. byknya cerita yg boleh kongsi pd anak2 cucu akan dtg kan..

now, ilana will be in her 4th month in 4 days. she's quite chubby and belum tunjuk lagi tanda2 rajin nak meniarap. baru sekali 2 je dia tertiarap kot. muatan lebih..peha besar.. haha

subhanallah.. syukur alhamdulillah dgn semua rezeki yg mencurah2 ni.. andai kata umur mommy tak panjang.. ketahuilah lah.. saat ini, saat mommy typing utk post ni.. mommy bersyukur sgt dgn semua yg kita ada.. walaupun da almost 2 bulan mommy asik bukak page beli handbag idaman and beli emas idaman tapi tak beli2 and end up bukak shopee add to cart susu dan pampers anak2.. tp mommy bersyukur.. i am so blessed despite of being such a sinful khalifah. semoga allah x uji mommy dgn dugaan yg tak mampu mommy tanggung. terima kasih allah!!

to my man,

thank you thank you thank you, i cant thank you enough for having you, you have done a lot for me, in return insyaallah i will take care of you too. semoga allah jaga and lindungi you, hati you, amin.

to my kids, 

i love you with all my hearts. be someone with a great heart ok!!

Miscarriage

After a looooong hiatus.. tajuk pun xtau nak letak apa.. kali ni sbb byk masa.. pantang without baby kan.. baby yg dah bsr ni.. dah boleh harap.. dah byk boleh buat sendiri.. so mommy relax yilex sangaaatt..

Tergerak hati nak write up here setelah sekian lama.. saje because something just happened in my life.. yg mmg x jangka akan melaluinya.. and doa supaya xperlu lalui lagi dan lagi..

I just had miscarriage at 9weeks of pregnancy.. from the beginning lagi my health condition wasnt that good.. i am over weight.. i had asthma.. i had bad cough.. even we thought we are mentally ready for another baby, we are actually not.
Sebenarnya surprise jugak bila pregnant because everything was too fast.. tp since we already thought about it so we kinda excited.. of course..

So.. i had spotting like 60% of all the 9weeks. Until 6th may.. its start bleeding.. xde buat apa pun whole day sbb perut rasa x sedap.. goreng ikan je la sbb teringin nk mkn pelaling goreng garing2.. bdn pun rasa penat sgt sbb weekend lps ilhan demam on and off temperature for 3days.. mommy pun demam jugak.. so weekend ni mmg nak rehat sgt2.. laundry and rumah semua mr.k yg uruskan..
Then, dlm pukul 5 mcm tu terus siap2 pg klinik utk check.. dkt klinik doc direct je bgtau its a possibility of miscarriage bila scan size kantung xde beza since my 1st scan.. and i had blood in my urine.. we get a refferal letter utk terus pergi hospital.. discuss punya discuss we opted for DEMC hosp.. sbb dah buat survey haritu DEMC ramai gynae perempuan and muslim compared tu SUNMED semua nonmuslim gynae.. on the way to hospital call insurance to double confirm my coverage.. harus la check.. mana mampu kalau kena byr sendiri..haha

Sampai hospital terus masuk emergency.. tp still la kena ambik no..register.. sbb boleh berjalan sendiri lagi kan.. tgu dlm 15min mcm tu doc dah panggil.. bersyukur sgt sbb dr awal proses sampai lah habis all handled by female doc which what i have been prayed so much for.. dkt emergency bukan boleh pilih2 doc.. tp rezeki sgt dpt doc perempuan.. go thru the same process again.. ultrasound.urine test.blood test and pelvic exam.. then doctor farah also confirm no baby found in my tummy. She's not a permanent doctor there so she called for specialist which dr azhana and set my appoinment for further check up on 9th may.

I did ask since its another 3days more for my further checkup with specialist if there is any chance that the baby will show up.. haha
- ikut pengalaman sy puan. Ni mmg dah xde.. tp puan jumpa dr azhana.. let she confirm you and decide the next action.
I dont feel anything except my tonsils yg sangat2 annoying.. yg buat badan seram sejuk.. and perut yg x berapa nak selesa.. rasa keras je.. for 2 days i keep questioned my husband if this is real..huhu
Monday 8th may, masih pergi ofis to handover anything.. nasib baik nothing much on hand.. sempat cancelled training yg patutnya pg next week. Sempat jumpa bos to update my condition.. masa tu bdn rasa sakit sgt because of tonsils.. ambik halfday.. lps tu singgah tesco beli ayam.. teringin nak mkn sup ayam yg byk carrots and celeries.. lps tu teringat ilhan dah lama x mkn proper.. so msk ayam msk merah utk ilhan.. strong x mommy ilhan? Haha

9th may.. something that i never imagined will happened in my life. Awal pagi tu tonsil is a bit better.. tp perut x berapa selesa.. i cant enjoyed my dates with mr.k sebab kena puasa.. kitorg mana boleh dpt peluang berdua kejap.. selalu nak enjoy breakfast yg aman sikit.. me la.. tp hari tu gloomy je rasa.. after dropped ilhan at school we direct to DEMC which already late.. tp mls nak fikir.. nasib baik dpt register dulu dkt OnG lps tu buat GL processing.. not sure how private hospital process flow works.. tp this GL is a bit confusing.. because it has different charge for different treatment and have to considered under different package.. tp nak buat mcm mana kan.. luckily diorg ni main call2 je.. cuma kita je la yg mcm tertunggu berdebar kira duit dlm bank cukup ke x nak cover in case GL x lepas..haha

Appoinment with dr azhana should be on 9am.. but im the 4th.. sampaikan pukul 10 suddenly perut sakit gila2.. nurse tanya ada rasa nak pitam ke.. i should just say yes.. 😂😂
Tonsils.. perut.. sbb dah x ingat rasa contraction mcm mana.. so i thought its just a normal stomach ache.. after cried few minutes on mr.k i told him i cant handle it anymore.. i went to toilet.. and the drama begin.
Something just pop out.. xtau what it was.. gabra kejap dlm toilet.. i know its something mybe the baby.. but its already in the toilet bowl.. ok.what you gonna read after this maybe gross. So can stop reading now.
So lucky the toilet is very clean.. dgn mcm2 rasa.. i dont want my baby been flush out in toilet bowl.. x kan la kottt..sampai hati koottt.. nangis xtau nak buat apa.. bowl just full with blood.. i cant see anything..x berani nak flush.. after a while.. bowl mcm dah jernih sikit i saw something and with my bare hand i just grab it..put on tissue and i gabra again..haha..
Mcm mana nak bwk keluar.. patut ke bwk keluar.. apa benda tu.. doesnt look like baby.. nak buat apa nak buat apa.. bukak pintu toilet sikit.. mintak org pgglkan cleaner utk pgglkan mr.k.. ramai mommy to be kat toilet tu.. diorg tanya kenapa.. i just said.. gugur kot.. then semua mengucap and gabra.. haha.. rupanya mr.k is standing outside.. my number is up so he is waiting for me. When the cleaner said khairul he straight away rush to the toilet.. mommytobe yg ada kat situ semua bg laluan to him.. nurse pun sampai and papah me to dr's room.. xjauh.. n dah rasa x sakit sgt pun.. malu kejap sbb semua org tgk..huu.. mmg x boleh lupa incident ni sampai bila2.. nurse mintak cleaner x usik whats in the toilet.. lega sgt sbb i really want to know what is that.. is it my baby? *cryyy*

Masuk bilik dr.. another pelvic exam.. and dr scheduled me for d&c.. i have no idea what is d&c.. then bila dr ckp i will be on bius.. i just feel ok. As relax as shaherra... hehe.. because of asthma i had to take nebulizer to ensure my lung is clear.. around 1pm.. tolak masuk ot.. one dr ckp yg dia akan bius.. and nurses buat prep sambil borak2 sape on leave on that day.. and they put me on gas..

This is another experience yg mmg xkan lupa jugak and rasa masyaallah.. betapa baiknya allah.. sikit sakit pun x rasa throughout the process.. i had my dream.. mcm tgh sliding down thru timetunnel.. colorful.. fast.. cantik.. mcm moana terjun dlm lubang masa nak ambik hook maoli tu..ni sbb asik tgk moana sepjg weekend dgn ilhan kot.. tiba2.. rasa mcm ada org tarik tiub dr tekak.. and ada org kejut ckp dah siap.. i dont see dr azhana at all.. my legs all straight and clean. My bed sheet is clean.. im blurred.. feel good..tekak dah x sakit sgt..perut of course.. rasa ringan sangat2.. and rasa selesa sgt utk sambung tido.. xpernah rasa se selesa tu.. bahagia.. mr.k said it was because of the gas.. sbb tu la drug addict tu bahagia je diorg rasa eventho phisically we saw diorg terumbang ambing..huhu

Then.. i was put on rest before meet up dr azhana again on 5pm.. dah boleh mkn yeay!!. Lapar sgt.. spinning sikit2.. tp boleh je main wassap.. update some people yg concern much on me.. tq sooo much for all the doas.. alhamdulillah everything went smoothly.. i had a loss.. but i had a lot other things to be grateful on too..
Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah.. rasa sihat.. compared past 9weeks.. and i knew my body just not ready..

Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiuun syg.. im sorry i cant hold you tightly.. im sorry i cant give you a chance to live.. i believe u will be better in syurga.. semoga yg baik2 selalu utk kita semua..

Rindu pregnancy.. insyaallah ada rezeki lain..

Bye 2015. Welcome 2016

Assalamualaikum..

Wow. Almost 1 year. Memandagkan harini dpt kalendar ofis n dekat kalendar ada ni.

Terus la teringat blog yg penuh kenangan.
Sbb dekat sini je i manage to kept all my resolutions..hehe

So, since 2015 almost at the end. Ni target for 2015.
1. Feb mesti settled all outstanding hutang. (Ada few jd outstanding sbb urusan beli rumah.. sobbss)
2. More savings!
3. By end of year. Free from loan! (At least one of our loans) haha..
4. My dream kitchen
5. Ilhan's school.
6. Mr.k sambung study.

1.almost there like 50% 😭

2.belum lagi

4.belum lg

5.dah call. Semoga ada rezeki ilhan on 2016. Sbb taska tu prioritized pd budak 4 years

6.not happening..hehe.. mr.k was promoted to supervisor on last nov. So now we not sure whether continuing study is good or not. But i still feel he shud just go for it n lets the future decide. Kan?

Ok. Done 2015.

Semuanya xberjalan seperti yg dirancang tp allah bagi kami sekeluarga nikmat lain yg x disangka2.. alhamdulillah..

I am on my new job now. Well known stable company. Still doing my best on my favourite task. Semoga ini akan menjadi permulaan yg lebih indah utk 2016.

Target for 2016.

Back to unfinished business from 2015. I will focus more this year. And just this. Insyaallah..

Cita-cita. angan-angan. takdir

masa sekolah dulu. mmg berangan nak kerja yg best2.. tp malas belajar. main2.. akhirnye dapat course campak dlm UiTM.

cuba jugak mak usaha utk tukarkan course.. tp kenapa tah ttbe masa tu matang..wakaka..

ckp dgn mak..mungkin tuhan tau anak mak ni xmampu nk masuk bidang medic.. xpe la.. teruskan jer..

jadi sejak tu..tukar perception, kebetulan peluang kerja bidang IT semakin melambak2.. as perempuan, mesti la berangan nak kawin and ada anak2 kan.. rasa mcm bidang programming is soo not me.

x excel pun dlm study..mcm mana nk survive dlm kerja is beyond my expectation.

sedih bila extend study, tapi alhamdulillah..xpernah menyesal pasal tu.. our batch diperkenalkan dgn software testing..since that mmg semangat nak kerja dlm bidang testing.. ya allah.. sungguh allah mudahkan semuanya..

lepas tu. berangan nak kawin umur 27. nak beli kereta. nak beli rumah. nak bwk mak n abah jalan2. xnak jadi org biasa. nak jadi org yg dpt travel oversea every year. xnak jadi housewife yg stuck kat kampung jaga anak.. *marah ni kalau ada org yg duduk kg baca* everyone have their own dreams. please allow me rambling my nonsense here.

duniawi semua. materialistik. mungkin sebab tu allah xmudahkan jalan kearah itu..hehe

tup2 kawen umur 25. 26 ada anak pulak. hilang angan2 nak sambung study la.. nak berjalan la.. tp rezeki yang allah bagi.. anak yg sihat, comel. handsome. *kali ni pun sila benarkan sy puji anak sendiri ea*

suami yg complement me just enough.

27. bakal masuk ke rumah sendiri. walaupun hutang dgn bank..haha

ada masa. ada jugak berangan nak balik kg. expand kedai mak. berniaga. hidup dekat tempat yg x stress. xde jammed.xde KPI.

someone pernah ckp. KL ni tempat buang duit. bukan cari duit..haha

kerja. Scope mmg tempat best utk settle down.. *yeke?* x expect bole join balik dgn cepat.bila tau kwn yg masuk company yg pernah pggl interview dulu dpt pergi jln2. best gila! jeles pulak.. 

yela..pggl interview..xsemestinya dpt.. tp ehh..nk berangan jugak.desperate sgt nk travel ni..haha

umur dah 27 ni. sebelum 30 kena sambung study. sebelum 35 kena anak lebih dari sorg. sebelum 40 kena ada landed house. gitteeww.. sempat x sempat ni? ntah2 kubur panggil dulu. T_T

Wishlist 2015

Last year. 27 nov. I have posted about my wishlist.
Lets see if everything comes true.

1. Rumah = insyaallah will move in 4dec. Just a small little house for our small family. Alhamdulillah.
Mulanya hanya angan2.. dgn rasa yg bercampur baur..xtau dpt teruskan ke tak.. tak tau menetapi kriteria rumah impian ke tak.. tp ttp teruskan.. sbb mmg sedar diri hanya itu lah yg termampu.. syukur allah mudahkan semuanya.. mmg bergolok bergadai dan masih mengharapkan rezeki yg lebih.. insyaallah.. semoga ini lah yg terbaik..

2. Camera & new phone = closed case.

3. Join mak umrah = dugaan yg xdijangka.. xde rezeki lagi mak nk pg umrah tahun ni.. insyaallah.. semoga ada rezeki akan dtg.. 😭

4. Simpan duit holiday = xde bayang. Haha

Ok. What has past is past. Next year.. apa plan?

1. Feb mesti settled all outstanding hutang. (Ada few jd outstanding sbb urusan beli rumah.. sobbss)
2. More savings!
3. By end of year. Free from loan! (At least one of our loans) haha..
4. My dream kitchen
5. Ilhan's school.
6. Mr.k sambung study.

I was never imagine azam tahun lepas ada yg terlaksana. Masa tulis haritu mmg angan2 belaka.. tp sungguh allah mudahkan.. alhamdulillah.. jadi kali ni nak tulis lg la..
Mana tau ada yg aminkan.. mudah juga urusan tahun depan.. 😊😊😊😊

Ilhan with opah

Ilhan is now with opah. We had left him since last month. After 3 weeks go back to my mom's house. Its totally heart broken when we look into his eyes and seems he sees us like strangers.

Patut la org yg tggl anak dia kat kg.. mmg kurang bonding dgn parents. Mungkin bukan sbb dia xsyg.. tp dia xbiasa.

Dah rasa mcm tu once, then kenapa nk tggl lg? Kan?
There are few matters that we have to deal. Nak xnak we have no choice to leave him again. This is the longest i havent see him. More than 3 weeks.
I feel like squeeeeezzingg..shrinking..dying..missing like hell..

Tgn rasa mcm terasa2 nak tangkap dia.. mulut terasa2 mcm nk gomol dia.. hidung terasa2 mcm nak cium dia..

Its painful.. sggttt... 😭😭😭😭😭

Back to scope

Alhamdulillah..
Officially back to Scope on 3rd Nov 2014. Birthday Mr.k.. senang ingat..hehe

After drama here and there. 5 months of waiting. Im here listening to hilaian tawa of previous manager yg ku rindui setahun yg lalu..kaaahh

She moved to other building actually but once in a while or once a week dia akan dtg pj. Just nice the day i reported to scope, bumped into her on the train.. punya la nak sorok2 xnak jumpa kat ofis. Dlm train pun jadik.. tu la kalau dah jodoh kann..kaaahhh

Well, my experience on job transition is only tiny little bit. 1st job as account executive at one network company attached to telekom. Sangat2 fresh masa tu.. gaji pun xsampai 2k. Not my dream job after all but just having some experience. I learn how to meet peoples.. and its only lasted for 2 months..

Lepas tu training with gov program and attached to Scope. It was easy. Tak ada culture shock sbb we are doing what we have learned. Expectation for the first 3 months pun not that high sbb u are only intern. Geng nak mengadu ramaaiii.. kwn2 dr uitm pun ramaiii.. alhamdulillah.. allah eased everything.. but its not always that easy rite..

Decided to move on after 3 years. Considered this is my first resignation for real. The feelings, expectations, everything is totally different.

Masuk new company without knowing anyone in there. I thought i can do something on my attitude.. kurang jadi pemalu.. become more confident.. however... *sigh*
Ilhan is only 6 months that time.. i have to adapt with alot of things. It was hard but i have only passed after the 9 months. I have met a lot of friends which so adorable, very very nice and helpful in everything..

Somehow my confident level is back to a correct state. Not too high not too low..i felt so good.. i start doubting about moving on.. *padahal masa tu da send resume da*
I start felt syg to everything. But decision have to be made.. pros and cons is everywhere..
Oppurtunities is always there for u to grab. Its your own choice.

Back to the place that i have been for 3 years. Im totally feel like home!
Mmg buat mcm rumah sendiri walaupun xde passcard.. cari hr la. Request mcm2 dkt it centre. Luckily there is still one same person and still recognize me..hehe
In term of tasks.. sangat byk berubah. Thats make me scared. Im in a state of knowing nothing but have to do everything. But insyaallah.. i just feel good as the trust is there. I have to perform. For sure..

And..not to forget.. ilhan. He is on development state now.. can i? Can i commit to him? Can i be a good mother? I have to!

Alhamdulillah.. this is all His love and bless. Syukur alhamdulillah..

Endometriosis

A bit explanation. the rest you can google more.

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). 

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Common signs and symptoms of endometriosis may include:

• Painful periods (dysmenorrhea).
• Pain with intercourse.
• Pain with bowel movements or urination.
• Excessive bleeding.
• Infertility.
• Other symptoms. You may also experience fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating or nausea, especially during menstrual periods.

Signs and symptoms of endometriosis end temporarily with pregnancy and end permanently with menopause.

So, what is this all about??

I have been suspected with endometriosis. suspected jee.. nothing much insyaallah.. even during the consultation, the way doc explained its not a serious illness however its just LOSS OF ENJOYMENT OF LIFE. Allahuakbar.. kuasa allah bila dia nak tarik nikmat apa yg kita ada.

I have to endure with the pain until stated as above. menopause. 

Btw, soalan yg byk org tnye.

mcm mana tau? - as symptoms kat atas and guts feeling, we went to gynae. then here it goes. sebelum tu mmg ada buat few research, tnye cousins yg ada history cyst n fibroid.. do some readings, i tot it might be a cyst. endo is very least thing in my thought.

lps tu? - so, since it was suspected and kitorg pun bukan dlm keadaan terdesak nak dpt baby, now doc bg ubat hormone (progesterone) to reduce my estrogen. by reducing that, the tissue will stop bleeds because it will stop my menstrual n reduce the pain too. kena ambik ubat ni utk 3 bulan and semoga tissues tu mereput..hehe

tapiii.. u know la ubat hormone.. kesannye masyaallah.. bloating.nausea.moody (tgk bola pun nangis)

mak pesan..banyaakkkan zikir.. rasa xkena je zikirr..biar xde suara hasutan yg sentuh hati tu..

insyaallah.. mmg..mmg xlupa utk istighfar..but somehow i still cant hold the tears. (T_T)

well.. im still lucky because

dah ada ilhan. people with endo susah pregnant. ifffff let say rezeki mmg ilhan sorg.. allah know the best..

and no cyst or fibroid attached as of now.

btw, its still on early stage.. mengharapkan yg terbaik dlm masa 3 bulan ni..

after few readings, masa tgh struggle dgn kesan hormone. first time kan so emosinye ngengada sgt.. ada yg ckp diorg buat transvaginal scan to confirm the endo. so i was thinking why not buat je that scan instead of bearing with this hormone thingy. so pergi la ask for second opinion, but too bad that TVS will not confirm endo. the only way is laparoscopy and doc tnye if im ready for that. memang x laaa..

then ada la few explanation why my gynae give me this n this medicine instead of aggressive treatment. so, lepas fikir.. decide utk trust the gynae..pg byk2 gynae kang pun pening je sini ckp lain.. sana ckp lain..

jadinya.. now.. marilah jaga makan jaga hati jaga iman..ni semua sbb allah syg..