Miscarriage

After a looooong hiatus.. tajuk pun xtau nak letak apa.. kali ni sbb byk masa.. pantang without baby kan.. baby yg dah bsr ni.. dah boleh harap.. dah byk boleh buat sendiri.. so mommy relax yilex sangaaatt..

Tergerak hati nak write up here setelah sekian lama.. saje because something just happened in my life.. yg mmg x jangka akan melaluinya.. and doa supaya xperlu lalui lagi dan lagi..

I just had miscarriage at 9weeks of pregnancy.. from the beginning lagi my health condition wasnt that good.. i am over weight.. i had asthma.. i had bad cough.. even we thought we are mentally ready for another baby, we are actually not.
Sebenarnya surprise jugak bila pregnant because everything was too fast.. tp since we already thought about it so we kinda excited.. of course..

So.. i had spotting like 60% of all the 9weeks. Until 6th may.. its start bleeding.. xde buat apa pun whole day sbb perut rasa x sedap.. goreng ikan je la sbb teringin nk mkn pelaling goreng garing2.. bdn pun rasa penat sgt sbb weekend lps ilhan demam on and off temperature for 3days.. mommy pun demam jugak.. so weekend ni mmg nak rehat sgt2.. laundry and rumah semua mr.k yg uruskan..
Then, dlm pukul 5 mcm tu terus siap2 pg klinik utk check.. dkt klinik doc direct je bgtau its a possibility of miscarriage bila scan size kantung xde beza since my 1st scan.. and i had blood in my urine.. we get a refferal letter utk terus pergi hospital.. discuss punya discuss we opted for DEMC hosp.. sbb dah buat survey haritu DEMC ramai gynae perempuan and muslim compared tu SUNMED semua nonmuslim gynae.. on the way to hospital call insurance to double confirm my coverage.. harus la check.. mana mampu kalau kena byr sendiri..haha

Sampai hospital terus masuk emergency.. tp still la kena ambik no..register.. sbb boleh berjalan sendiri lagi kan.. tgu dlm 15min mcm tu doc dah panggil.. bersyukur sgt sbb dr awal proses sampai lah habis all handled by female doc which what i have been prayed so much for.. dkt emergency bukan boleh pilih2 doc.. tp rezeki sgt dpt doc perempuan.. go thru the same process again.. ultrasound.urine test.blood test and pelvic exam.. then doctor farah also confirm no baby found in my tummy. She's not a permanent doctor there so she called for specialist which dr azhana and set my appoinment for further check up on 9th may.

I did ask since its another 3days more for my further checkup with specialist if there is any chance that the baby will show up.. haha
- ikut pengalaman sy puan. Ni mmg dah xde.. tp puan jumpa dr azhana.. let she confirm you and decide the next action.
I dont feel anything except my tonsils yg sangat2 annoying.. yg buat badan seram sejuk.. and perut yg x berapa nak selesa.. rasa keras je.. for 2 days i keep questioned my husband if this is real..huhu
Monday 8th may, masih pergi ofis to handover anything.. nasib baik nothing much on hand.. sempat cancelled training yg patutnya pg next week. Sempat jumpa bos to update my condition.. masa tu bdn rasa sakit sgt because of tonsils.. ambik halfday.. lps tu singgah tesco beli ayam.. teringin nak mkn sup ayam yg byk carrots and celeries.. lps tu teringat ilhan dah lama x mkn proper.. so msk ayam msk merah utk ilhan.. strong x mommy ilhan? Haha

9th may.. something that i never imagined will happened in my life. Awal pagi tu tonsil is a bit better.. tp perut x berapa selesa.. i cant enjoyed my dates with mr.k sebab kena puasa.. kitorg mana boleh dpt peluang berdua kejap.. selalu nak enjoy breakfast yg aman sikit.. me la.. tp hari tu gloomy je rasa.. after dropped ilhan at school we direct to DEMC which already late.. tp mls nak fikir.. nasib baik dpt register dulu dkt OnG lps tu buat GL processing.. not sure how private hospital process flow works.. tp this GL is a bit confusing.. because it has different charge for different treatment and have to considered under different package.. tp nak buat mcm mana kan.. luckily diorg ni main call2 je.. cuma kita je la yg mcm tertunggu berdebar kira duit dlm bank cukup ke x nak cover in case GL x lepas..haha

Appoinment with dr azhana should be on 9am.. but im the 4th.. sampaikan pukul 10 suddenly perut sakit gila2.. nurse tanya ada rasa nak pitam ke.. i should just say yes.. 😂😂
Tonsils.. perut.. sbb dah x ingat rasa contraction mcm mana.. so i thought its just a normal stomach ache.. after cried few minutes on mr.k i told him i cant handle it anymore.. i went to toilet.. and the drama begin.
Something just pop out.. xtau what it was.. gabra kejap dlm toilet.. i know its something mybe the baby.. but its already in the toilet bowl.. ok.what you gonna read after this maybe gross. So can stop reading now.
So lucky the toilet is very clean.. dgn mcm2 rasa.. i dont want my baby been flush out in toilet bowl.. x kan la kottt..sampai hati koottt.. nangis xtau nak buat apa.. bowl just full with blood.. i cant see anything..x berani nak flush.. after a while.. bowl mcm dah jernih sikit i saw something and with my bare hand i just grab it..put on tissue and i gabra again..haha..
Mcm mana nak bwk keluar.. patut ke bwk keluar.. apa benda tu.. doesnt look like baby.. nak buat apa nak buat apa.. bukak pintu toilet sikit.. mintak org pgglkan cleaner utk pgglkan mr.k.. ramai mommy to be kat toilet tu.. diorg tanya kenapa.. i just said.. gugur kot.. then semua mengucap and gabra.. haha.. rupanya mr.k is standing outside.. my number is up so he is waiting for me. When the cleaner said khairul he straight away rush to the toilet.. mommytobe yg ada kat situ semua bg laluan to him.. nurse pun sampai and papah me to dr's room.. xjauh.. n dah rasa x sakit sgt pun.. malu kejap sbb semua org tgk..huu.. mmg x boleh lupa incident ni sampai bila2.. nurse mintak cleaner x usik whats in the toilet.. lega sgt sbb i really want to know what is that.. is it my baby? *cryyy*

Masuk bilik dr.. another pelvic exam.. and dr scheduled me for d&c.. i have no idea what is d&c.. then bila dr ckp i will be on bius.. i just feel ok. As relax as shaherra... hehe.. because of asthma i had to take nebulizer to ensure my lung is clear.. around 1pm.. tolak masuk ot.. one dr ckp yg dia akan bius.. and nurses buat prep sambil borak2 sape on leave on that day.. and they put me on gas..

This is another experience yg mmg xkan lupa jugak and rasa masyaallah.. betapa baiknya allah.. sikit sakit pun x rasa throughout the process.. i had my dream.. mcm tgh sliding down thru timetunnel.. colorful.. fast.. cantik.. mcm moana terjun dlm lubang masa nak ambik hook maoli tu..ni sbb asik tgk moana sepjg weekend dgn ilhan kot.. tiba2.. rasa mcm ada org tarik tiub dr tekak.. and ada org kejut ckp dah siap.. i dont see dr azhana at all.. my legs all straight and clean. My bed sheet is clean.. im blurred.. feel good..tekak dah x sakit sgt..perut of course.. rasa ringan sangat2.. and rasa selesa sgt utk sambung tido.. xpernah rasa se selesa tu.. bahagia.. mr.k said it was because of the gas.. sbb tu la drug addict tu bahagia je diorg rasa eventho phisically we saw diorg terumbang ambing..huhu

Then.. i was put on rest before meet up dr azhana again on 5pm.. dah boleh mkn yeay!!. Lapar sgt.. spinning sikit2.. tp boleh je main wassap.. update some people yg concern much on me.. tq sooo much for all the doas.. alhamdulillah everything went smoothly.. i had a loss.. but i had a lot other things to be grateful on too..
Alhamdulillah..alhamdulillah.. rasa sihat.. compared past 9weeks.. and i knew my body just not ready..

Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiuun syg.. im sorry i cant hold you tightly.. im sorry i cant give you a chance to live.. i believe u will be better in syurga.. semoga yg baik2 selalu utk kita semua..

Rindu pregnancy.. insyaallah ada rezeki lain..